In Limbo

I still had not gotten the autopsy report about what happened to Chris. Some of my co-workers told me to contact New England Organ Donor Bank to see if they could help me get a report faster. I contacted them, and they said it usually takes up to a year to get the report. They said they would try to help me. When they called me back, they said that the results were there but no one had typed up the report. They said they would try to get the coroner to write the report ASAP. I just wanted to know what happened. I looked over the police report and it stated there was ice outside the train where Chris got out. I kept waiting for the report but it would take several more months to receive it. Our two year wedding anniversary hit. My sister flew up to be with me which helped a lot. She would just listen to me. She told me it was going to be hard for awhile. She supported me by letting me be sad and talk about how I felt. She did not have a magic word or try to say the right thing, she just listened. Having her with me was so great because I stayed at home with her. I did not feel like I had to run from my feelings. I wanted that companionship that I had with Chris-that best friend who is always there for you. Having that and then it going away suddenly was so traumatic. I never even got to say goodbye. I remember asking my sister, how will I make it after you go home? She said stay busy and keep doing what you are doing. She left and I just tried to follow her advice. I was I a support group for widows and widowers. I was the youngest one. We met once a week, and it helped because they listened to me. I went to visit my parents and several friends. Went to a wedding in Detroit which was hard because first wedding without Chris. I remember one of my old friends, Greg, who was married asked if I would dance with him at the wedding. He just hugged meant told me how strong I was and how incredible it was that I was there. Those words of support comforted me. This was summer of 2003, and I just felt like I was in limbo. I had all of Chris's old friends to talk to and I wanted to talk to them because made me feel close to Chris, but it was also painful because I was alone and single-it reminded me that he was gone. Being in Boston was hard because I had met Chris about three months after moving there and everywhere I went, I saw places that we would go to and the memories would flood me. There were friends of friends who had gone through loosing a significant other. One of them said let's have lunch and we can talk. I was excited because I thought this would be someone who understood my feelings! I ended up being disappointed because he just wanted to tell me his story-he did not seem interested in mine. I did not find our lunch helpful. I was also angry with people who wanted to tell me their problems because I felt I had enough to deal with already. I found myself talking less and less to the people who could not listen to me. I am not sure if this was a good thing or bad thing but I guess I was trying to cope. I would be angry at people who felt they had problems because their problems were not as bad as mine is what I thought! Something amazing happened: I received a letter from someone who had received one of Chris's lungs. It was such a kind note telling me that he wanted to know about the donor. He also sent a picture of himself with his granddaughter. He told me about all the things he was able to do because of his new lung. I wrote him a letter back and told him all about Chris. I told him that Chris loved Asian food and was a sports fanatic. He wrote me back and stated that since he had the transplant, he craved Chinese and was watching more sports. Whether this was really true, I will never know but it made me feel good. We could not meet or exchange information until after a year after transplant had occurred. We sent each other letters through the organ bank. I also got a card from the person that received Chris's heart that said thank you. I wrote that person back but never heard back. Working in organ transplant at MGH made me understand why some people did not want to write. Some of my patients told me they did not write the donor families because they felt they would be disappointed because they were not doing well or they felt too sad for the people who had lost someone. I also felt that I was more understanding of my patients and families because of what happened. I knew the pain people felt so it was nice to see that something good was coming from this situation.

Transitions

I worked at my current job until May and then I began working at Mass General in the Organ Transplant Unit. I had accepted this job prior to Chris's passing. I was not sure how I would handle the stress of being a brand new nurse, in a brand new job!! My first day, I told my training nurse about what had happened to me. She stated that it was good that I told her my story, and she would keep that in mind and that she was there for me. It was very stressful because I was starting a brand new job-I had to learn medicines, how to organize my time, and just how to be a nurse. My co-workers were very supportive. I am a very vocal person; therapy to me is talking about my feelings. I just would be honest with my friends and co-workers and tell them that today was a bad day for me. Honestly, having a new job was good because it allowed me to have something to focus on instead of Chris's death. It helped me to have tasks because it occupied my mind. For me, sitting at home or not doing anything would set me in a panic. I would never stay at home. I stayed busy all the time to not allow myself to have that time to think. In about six months, I would realize that I needed to deal with these sad and horrible feelings. I just could not do it right now. I did what I needed to do to survive and that was spending time with people and doing stuff all the time. I would have occasional panic attacks triggered by situations that would remind me of Chris. One day at my new job, I had a patient named Chris and he had a head injury. I just could not take care of him...I began to cry and the charge nurse changed that assignment. The feelings i felt that day were overwhelming. I remember calling mom and dad and sitting outside the hospital crying while people walked by me, staring. I asked my doctor if she could give me xanax or something to help me deal with these feelings. My doctor stated no because I needed to feel these feelings to heal. I think that is one of the hardest parts of grief is being with those horrible, sad feelings and working through those emotions, and it is imperative for healing. The time when a person is ready to feel those feelings can differ-for me, it was about a year after Chris died that I slowed down and allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness. It was hard because I was working night shift two weeks and then would work days for two weeks: it was a swing shift. I could not sleep very well which made me more depressed and irritable. Somehow, I did it. I did not realize that I had several people praying for me, esp. my mom, dad, and sister. They would pray that I would be okay and that I would make it through this ordeal. Many people sent me cards and letters. I received cards and notes from people I grew up with and from the campus ministry I was involved with during college. I had gradually moved away from the Christian faith despite growing up in a Christian home. By the time I had even met Chris, I was not attending church. I felt that I believed in God and Jesus but church was not necessary. I felt that people who were very "religious" were weaklings who could not manage life's problems. I remember telling a friend after Chris died that I did not need God because I was a strong person and could make it though this pain by myself. My parents and sister were praying that I would return to church and survive this ordeal. After Chris died, I was angry with God. I remember asking my mom, if there is a God why would he allow me to suffer? I explained that I was a good person and tried to do what was right and look what happened to me. Look at what happened to Chris!! I was like how come bad people do not suffer? These questions made it hard for me to accept Christianity. I actually felt that nothing existed. It would take several months for me to come to understand how God can heal and how blessed I truly am. I questioned who was I as a person because I was not longer Chris's wife. I felt so confused about who I was or what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I was worried that I would never get married again, and that I would never have children which was one of my number one goals.

My house sells

I could not spend anytime by myself! Each day at work, I would try to study in that office by myself but could not-I would walk around Harvard Square and look at shops. After work each day, I would often go to the gym with friends. After the gym, I could not let myself go home so I would make plans with people each night. I just could not be alone or I felt a sense of panic. I'd was so tired because I would not rest. My realtor called and told me there was an offer on our house. I met her to complete the paperwork. She told me we would close on house in March. I felt a sense of relief but also sadness. I knew I was going to need to find an apartment so I began the search. I found a place to live-I would have two roommates. Friends helped me pack my stuff and then move. When I finally got into my apartment, I panicked because for the first time in awhile I was with Chris's stuff. I found his bathrobe, his glasses, some of his tissues, his socks. I just was in a state of despair. I remember calling my parents and telling them how sad and hard it was to be with his stuff. I could not throw it away. I would wear his bathrobe around the house. I knew I had to take my boards so I signed up for April 1. I went to my house one more time to clean it up before the closing. Some friends went with me. We cleaned and left and the sadness I felt was just to the depth of my being. I called a friend in from nursing school. I told her that I wanted to go check myself into the mental ward at Mass General Hospital. I just wanted someone to take care of me for once. I did not want any responsibility. I wanted to rest. She told me to wait and she would come over. We talked and she was like Emily, if you go to a mental ward, they will make you stay. She is like you won't have any freedom or space. She said why don't we go to the mall and think about it so we did and I realized that I better not go. I was trying to study for my nursing boards. I took the test April 1 and I passed! I felt Chris was with me the whole time I took the test! I felt so happy for the first time in months because my I had succeeded! I told Mass General that I would start working in May. I went home to visit my parents. My mom took me to her yoga class and I just cried-it was too quiet and it made me panic. I had a good visit with mom and dad. They just listened to me. They threw me a party for passing my boards. At the party, several of their friends were like you should move back south-maybe Birmingham. I was like no way.

The coldest winter

It was January and one the of the coldest since being in Boston for five years. It snowed all the time. I was staying with a friend and was trying to sell my house. I had to take my boards. I could not concentrate on my studying. Everyone in my class was starting to take their boards, but I could not bring myself to do it. I met with a group of people from my class, and we studied about once a week. My boss at work could tell I was struggling. He told me that I could have his office, and all he wanted me to do was study. He said that he would answer the phones and take care of the work. He told me that I had worked too hard to not pass my boards. I was so appreciative of this gesture. I tried to study in that office but being alone was very hard for me. I could not even stay by myself at my friend's apartment. It was like the sound of silence was too much for me; it made me think about how horrible things were in my life. I began to wish that I was not alive. I remember walking on the street and thinking if a car hits me, who cares?? I called my mom and dad almost everyday to talk about my sadness. Anytime I heard an ambulance, I would start to cry because I would think that is what Chris was in when he had his accident. If I saw someone in a wheelchair, I would think what if I end up in a wheelchair because who is to say that things will not get worse. I began to think why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? I though that I had been a good person and tried to do right so why would God allow this to happen? I was in counseling to talk about my feelings. I told my counselor I was so depressed and could barely make myself do what I needed to do to carry on. I told her my biggest desire was to have someone take care of me and do everything for me. She asked me was I angry at Chris? I said how could I be angry at him? All the sudden I felt this extreme anger!! I began telling her that yes, I was mad because he left me!! He left me and I have all this work to do now like sell the house, make phone calls, clear up loose ends, take my boards. I told her that this was not supposed to happen!! I told her that he left me and he has it easy now and I am the one who is suffering. I felt such a sense of rage!! I told her that I had some friends who were trying to push their Christian faith on me, and I was angry because I was mad at God! I told her how could a loving God allow good people to suffer? I told her that Christianity and religion was for weak people who could not make it on their own. We still did not know what happened to Chris. We had an autopsy done but no results yet. I talked to the police at the area where he was found, and they felt he had fallen or slipped on ice. They felt it was not foul play. The Boston Globe called me two times to try to get the "latest info" on what happened but I would not talk to them. A good friend of mine told me that I could drive myself crazy trying to figure it out because I might not ever know. It would take a long time to get some answers about what happened and also, to learn that God would heal me and restore my soul.

No sleep....

We had a meal after the funeral. I actually ate for the first time. I tried to tell everyone thank you for coming and how much each one meant to Chris. I still felt so numb and everything was in slow motion. I realize now that numbness that we feel after tragedy strikes is a gift from God. How could we deal with such hard and difficult emotions? God protects us from the horrible feelings until it somewhat easier to cope. We returned to my house. I got a flower from someone with a card that stated Chris was the perfect rose and God plucked him to keep him in heaven. I threw it away! I was so mad!! How could God take Chris away from me is what I thought. My parents were only there for a certain period of time. They wanted to help me clean out Chris's things because I was trying to sell the house. I don't remember going through it but I remember dad and me dropping his clothes off at Goodwill. I remember pulling away from the curb, and I could see the stuff sitting there. I just hurt so bad because it was like I was admitting he was never coming back. Mom, dad, and my sister stayed until the new year and had to go back to Alabama. I decided to stay with a friend in Boston until my house sold. I remember mom, dad, and Laura leaving. I felt nothing. I went to the bookstore and bought books about coping and grief. I am a reader and anytime I want to find answers , I read to find them. This was the time I started not being able to sleep at all. Every night I would lay there and think. I was so exhausted. I just would literally lay in my bed every night in the dark and look around. I had not been back to my job. The people there were so good to me. When I came back, each person took me out for lunch each day I was so skinny, and I think they were worried I was not eating. I had to take time off for work to take a review class for my nursing boards. I tried to concentrate. My fellow nursing students were in the class with me and were very supportive. One day, during a break, one of them asked me if I would like to go to Subway for lunch. The only Subway around was right by the train station that Chris had his accident. I said sure at first. We went back to our review class and I could not focus while the teacher lectured. I felt this major panic. I could not stop thinking about it. We were about to leave for lunch, and I said I cannot go. Of course, she understood and we went somewhere else. I asked the guy teaching to class if he had any tips to help me concentrate. I told him about what happened and said could I pass the boards? He was very compassionate and stated that I would-to take breaks when I felt overwhelmed. He said while he was lecturing that I could get up anytime and take a walk. One day he began to talk about head injuries. I freaked out and left. Someone in my class came to find me and told me it was okay and just to not listen to it. She said everyone has an issue with some health problem sometimes because of things that have happened to loved ones. We just sat outside until it was done. One day after leaving class, I was driving to my friend's apartment. I remember thinking Chris is not dead. I remember thinking that I needed to find him. I was convinced that I could find him. I thought I will search the world over until I find him. Of course, after awhile, I realized that he would not be found. That weekend, I had my nursing pinning ceremony. My parents, sister, and friends came to support me. When my name was called, my whole class stood up. The head of our program asked all the audience to stand and told us to look back and clap for them for their support. My heart was breaking because Chris was my biggest supporter of school, and I could not thank him. When we finished, I felt lost because I was saying goodbye to support and friendships. I would not be seeing my nursing friends everyday like before.

No answers!!

We went to the funeral home in Lowell to make arrangements. It was Christmas Eve so could not have wake until December 26 and funeral December 27. I felt nothing. I could not eat. I cried all the time and could not sleep. Everyone kept telling me to eat, but I could not. Mom, Dad, and my sister and I drove to our house in Holliston, MA. On the way home, my dad was like we have to drop by the train station to get Chris's car. He said why don't we look around for answers. My dad and I got out of car and went up up to the train platform. It was metro west commuter rail-I cannot remember the name of the stop. We looked and there was no evidence. No clues. We drove home. I looked in Chris's car-nothing. No money had been taken, no keys, nothing. What happened? We left and went home. I knew I had to sell the house. I did not want to stay there without Chris. We had just moved into that house in February 2002 so not even a year. It was Christmas Eve. I told my parents could we just pretend it was not Christmas because if we tried to celebrate I would hate Christmas forever. On Christmas Day we cleaned the house, took the tree down, and got ready for realtor to come the next day. I was like a machine and felt nothing. The day after Christmas, the realtor came early and we decided on a price. We then got ready and went to the wake. It lasted forever and I just stood there. People were hugging me. I did not cry and that bothered me because I felt like my response was inappropriate. I felt that people would think I did not care. I was also upset by what some people said such as God wanted Chris with Him so he took him to heaven or Chris was so good that God needed him in heaven. People would ask me how I was feeling or was I okay and that would get me upset because I would think how do you think I am feeling??????!!! People kept asking me what happened, and I did not know. People kept telling me you are holding up so well, and I felt insulted. Now, in hindsight, I realize that people were trying to help. People just did not know what to say. I realized that no one had to say anything to me at all; all people had to do was listen.

The long drive to the hospital

I drove to Boston Medical Center and waited for Chris. I just remember not having any feeling. I felt that I was watching what was going on. Finally, a nurse came for me and asked me if I would like to see Chris. I went back and he was awake and intubated so he could not talk. He looked at me and I knew he saw me so I started crying and told him how much I loved him. One of the nurses told me to calm down. She stated that he was not doing good, and I needed to calm down and get someone there with me. I called my parents and then Chris' parents. I called my work and friends. People started coming to the hospital. The surgeon stayed that put a camino device in his head to measure his intracranial pressure, and he had not woken up from the anesthesia. He told me that the outcome was poor. I just remember collapsing on the floor. The next two days were meetings with doctors and tests. My parents and Chris's parents were by my side. We decided that he was not going to make it and decided to make him an organ donor. I said goodbye to him and felt numb. The worst part was that it was December 23 so everywhere I went, I heard Christmas music!! I remember hearing it is the most wonderful time of the year and being so mad!! I thought Christmas is the worst time of year. We also did not know what had happened to Chris. The train conductor stated that he was found at the train station and had been throwing up so he called 911. No witnesses and no answers!! While we were at the hospital, one of my fellow nursing students came to see me, Sheryl. She told me that her father had murdered her mother. I remember asking her, "How did you make it?" She told me Christ. We prayed together and I felt maybe that was the answer. A chaplin came to visit me while Chris was in the hospital. I asked her if Chris's accident happened because we did not go to church. She told me that God did not work that way. I did not realize that it would take longer for me to accept God in my life.

Tragedy struck

It was my last night of nursing school. For the last three years, I had been working a forty-hour a week job while going to nursing school at night. I was so excited because I felt like life would go back to normal!! I remember thinking how I had neglected my husband during this time and how we could finally spend time together!! I met some fellow students that day to study for our final. We took our final and went out to celebrate. I came home around 11 PM, but my husband, Chris was not there. I remember thinking that this was not like him to not be home. I felt angry because I thought he had stayed out late with friends. I remember going to sleep and being mad. Around 3 AM, the phone rang and I did not answer because I thought it was him and I was mad!! Around 4:30 AM, I hear a knock on my front door. Outside, a police officer is standing out there. He asked me if I was Mrs. Parker. He told me there had been an accident and my husband was in the hospital. I called the hospital and they said that Chris was very confused when he came in and had been throwing up. Then they noticed that his respirations started decreasing. They noticed a laceration to his head and decided to do a head CT. The CT showed a major skull fracture and they were flying him to Boston now. They had intubated him because he no longer could breathe on his own. I just remember being very calm and felt like I was outside my body. I called a friend who told me how to get to Boston Medical Center, and I drove there. At this time in my life, I had walked away from God and the church. I felt that weaklings depended on a higher power. Part of me wanted to go to church because I had grown up going every Sunday, but I would not go. I felt it just did not fit my thinking. This blog will talk about how a new faith in Christ helped me overcome one of the greatest sadness I had every known. I want people to know how Christ can help heal all wounds.