In Limbo

I still had not gotten the autopsy report about what happened to Chris. Some of my co-workers told me to contact New England Organ Donor Bank to see if they could help me get a report faster. I contacted them, and they said it usually takes up to a year to get the report. They said they would try to help me. When they called me back, they said that the results were there but no one had typed up the report. They said they would try to get the coroner to write the report ASAP. I just wanted to know what happened. I looked over the police report and it stated there was ice outside the train where Chris got out. I kept waiting for the report but it would take several more months to receive it. Our two year wedding anniversary hit. My sister flew up to be with me which helped a lot. She would just listen to me. She told me it was going to be hard for awhile. She supported me by letting me be sad and talk about how I felt. She did not have a magic word or try to say the right thing, she just listened. Having her with me was so great because I stayed at home with her. I did not feel like I had to run from my feelings. I wanted that companionship that I had with Chris-that best friend who is always there for you. Having that and then it going away suddenly was so traumatic. I never even got to say goodbye. I remember asking my sister, how will I make it after you go home? She said stay busy and keep doing what you are doing. She left and I just tried to follow her advice. I was I a support group for widows and widowers. I was the youngest one. We met once a week, and it helped because they listened to me. I went to visit my parents and several friends. Went to a wedding in Detroit which was hard because first wedding without Chris. I remember one of my old friends, Greg, who was married asked if I would dance with him at the wedding. He just hugged meant told me how strong I was and how incredible it was that I was there. Those words of support comforted me. This was summer of 2003, and I just felt like I was in limbo. I had all of Chris's old friends to talk to and I wanted to talk to them because made me feel close to Chris, but it was also painful because I was alone and single-it reminded me that he was gone. Being in Boston was hard because I had met Chris about three months after moving there and everywhere I went, I saw places that we would go to and the memories would flood me. There were friends of friends who had gone through loosing a significant other. One of them said let's have lunch and we can talk. I was excited because I thought this would be someone who understood my feelings! I ended up being disappointed because he just wanted to tell me his story-he did not seem interested in mine. I did not find our lunch helpful. I was also angry with people who wanted to tell me their problems because I felt I had enough to deal with already. I found myself talking less and less to the people who could not listen to me. I am not sure if this was a good thing or bad thing but I guess I was trying to cope. I would be angry at people who felt they had problems because their problems were not as bad as mine is what I thought! Something amazing happened: I received a letter from someone who had received one of Chris's lungs. It was such a kind note telling me that he wanted to know about the donor. He also sent a picture of himself with his granddaughter. He told me about all the things he was able to do because of his new lung. I wrote him a letter back and told him all about Chris. I told him that Chris loved Asian food and was a sports fanatic. He wrote me back and stated that since he had the transplant, he craved Chinese and was watching more sports. Whether this was really true, I will never know but it made me feel good. We could not meet or exchange information until after a year after transplant had occurred. We sent each other letters through the organ bank. I also got a card from the person that received Chris's heart that said thank you. I wrote that person back but never heard back. Working in organ transplant at MGH made me understand why some people did not want to write. Some of my patients told me they did not write the donor families because they felt they would be disappointed because they were not doing well or they felt too sad for the people who had lost someone. I also felt that I was more understanding of my patients and families because of what happened. I knew the pain people felt so it was nice to see that something good was coming from this situation.