Transitions

I worked at my current job until May and then I began working at Mass General in the Organ Transplant Unit. I had accepted this job prior to Chris's passing. I was not sure how I would handle the stress of being a brand new nurse, in a brand new job!! My first day, I told my training nurse about what had happened to me. She stated that it was good that I told her my story, and she would keep that in mind and that she was there for me. It was very stressful because I was starting a brand new job-I had to learn medicines, how to organize my time, and just how to be a nurse. My co-workers were very supportive. I am a very vocal person; therapy to me is talking about my feelings. I just would be honest with my friends and co-workers and tell them that today was a bad day for me. Honestly, having a new job was good because it allowed me to have something to focus on instead of Chris's death. It helped me to have tasks because it occupied my mind. For me, sitting at home or not doing anything would set me in a panic. I would never stay at home. I stayed busy all the time to not allow myself to have that time to think. In about six months, I would realize that I needed to deal with these sad and horrible feelings. I just could not do it right now. I did what I needed to do to survive and that was spending time with people and doing stuff all the time. I would have occasional panic attacks triggered by situations that would remind me of Chris. One day at my new job, I had a patient named Chris and he had a head injury. I just could not take care of him...I began to cry and the charge nurse changed that assignment. The feelings i felt that day were overwhelming. I remember calling mom and dad and sitting outside the hospital crying while people walked by me, staring. I asked my doctor if she could give me xanax or something to help me deal with these feelings. My doctor stated no because I needed to feel these feelings to heal. I think that is one of the hardest parts of grief is being with those horrible, sad feelings and working through those emotions, and it is imperative for healing. The time when a person is ready to feel those feelings can differ-for me, it was about a year after Chris died that I slowed down and allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness. It was hard because I was working night shift two weeks and then would work days for two weeks: it was a swing shift. I could not sleep very well which made me more depressed and irritable. Somehow, I did it. I did not realize that I had several people praying for me, esp. my mom, dad, and sister. They would pray that I would be okay and that I would make it through this ordeal. Many people sent me cards and letters. I received cards and notes from people I grew up with and from the campus ministry I was involved with during college. I had gradually moved away from the Christian faith despite growing up in a Christian home. By the time I had even met Chris, I was not attending church. I felt that I believed in God and Jesus but church was not necessary. I felt that people who were very "religious" were weaklings who could not manage life's problems. I remember telling a friend after Chris died that I did not need God because I was a strong person and could make it though this pain by myself. My parents and sister were praying that I would return to church and survive this ordeal. After Chris died, I was angry with God. I remember asking my mom, if there is a God why would he allow me to suffer? I explained that I was a good person and tried to do what was right and look what happened to me. Look at what happened to Chris!! I was like how come bad people do not suffer? These questions made it hard for me to accept Christianity. I actually felt that nothing existed. It would take several months for me to come to understand how God can heal and how blessed I truly am. I questioned who was I as a person because I was not longer Chris's wife. I felt so confused about who I was or what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I was worried that I would never get married again, and that I would never have children which was one of my number one goals.