No answers!!

We went to the funeral home in Lowell to make arrangements. It was Christmas Eve so could not have wake until December 26 and funeral December 27. I felt nothing. I could not eat. I cried all the time and could not sleep. Everyone kept telling me to eat, but I could not. Mom, Dad, and my sister and I drove to our house in Holliston, MA. On the way home, my dad was like we have to drop by the train station to get Chris's car. He said why don't we look around for answers. My dad and I got out of car and went up up to the train platform. It was metro west commuter rail-I cannot remember the name of the stop. We looked and there was no evidence. No clues. We drove home. I looked in Chris's car-nothing. No money had been taken, no keys, nothing. What happened? We left and went home. I knew I had to sell the house. I did not want to stay there without Chris. We had just moved into that house in February 2002 so not even a year. It was Christmas Eve. I told my parents could we just pretend it was not Christmas because if we tried to celebrate I would hate Christmas forever. On Christmas Day we cleaned the house, took the tree down, and got ready for realtor to come the next day. I was like a machine and felt nothing. The day after Christmas, the realtor came early and we decided on a price. We then got ready and went to the wake. It lasted forever and I just stood there. People were hugging me. I did not cry and that bothered me because I felt like my response was inappropriate. I felt that people would think I did not care. I was also upset by what some people said such as God wanted Chris with Him so he took him to heaven or Chris was so good that God needed him in heaven. People would ask me how I was feeling or was I okay and that would get me upset because I would think how do you think I am feeling??????!!! People kept asking me what happened, and I did not know. People kept telling me you are holding up so well, and I felt insulted. Now, in hindsight, I realize that people were trying to help. People just did not know what to say. I realized that no one had to say anything to me at all; all people had to do was listen.