No sleep....

We had a meal after the funeral. I actually ate for the first time. I tried to tell everyone thank you for coming and how much each one meant to Chris. I still felt so numb and everything was in slow motion. I realize now that numbness that we feel after tragedy strikes is a gift from God. How could we deal with such hard and difficult emotions? God protects us from the horrible feelings until it somewhat easier to cope. We returned to my house. I got a flower from someone with a card that stated Chris was the perfect rose and God plucked him to keep him in heaven. I threw it away! I was so mad!! How could God take Chris away from me is what I thought. My parents were only there for a certain period of time. They wanted to help me clean out Chris's things because I was trying to sell the house. I don't remember going through it but I remember dad and me dropping his clothes off at Goodwill. I remember pulling away from the curb, and I could see the stuff sitting there. I just hurt so bad because it was like I was admitting he was never coming back. Mom, dad, and my sister stayed until the new year and had to go back to Alabama. I decided to stay with a friend in Boston until my house sold. I remember mom, dad, and Laura leaving. I felt nothing. I went to the bookstore and bought books about coping and grief. I am a reader and anytime I want to find answers , I read to find them. This was the time I started not being able to sleep at all. Every night I would lay there and think. I was so exhausted. I just would literally lay in my bed every night in the dark and look around. I had not been back to my job. The people there were so good to me. When I came back, each person took me out for lunch each day I was so skinny, and I think they were worried I was not eating. I had to take time off for work to take a review class for my nursing boards. I tried to concentrate. My fellow nursing students were in the class with me and were very supportive. One day, during a break, one of them asked me if I would like to go to Subway for lunch. The only Subway around was right by the train station that Chris had his accident. I said sure at first. We went back to our review class and I could not focus while the teacher lectured. I felt this major panic. I could not stop thinking about it. We were about to leave for lunch, and I said I cannot go. Of course, she understood and we went somewhere else. I asked the guy teaching to class if he had any tips to help me concentrate. I told him about what happened and said could I pass the boards? He was very compassionate and stated that I would-to take breaks when I felt overwhelmed. He said while he was lecturing that I could get up anytime and take a walk. One day he began to talk about head injuries. I freaked out and left. Someone in my class came to find me and told me it was okay and just to not listen to it. She said everyone has an issue with some health problem sometimes because of things that have happened to loved ones. We just sat outside until it was done. One day after leaving class, I was driving to my friend's apartment. I remember thinking Chris is not dead. I remember thinking that I needed to find him. I was convinced that I could find him. I thought I will search the world over until I find him. Of course, after awhile, I realized that he would not be found. That weekend, I had my nursing pinning ceremony. My parents, sister, and friends came to support me. When my name was called, my whole class stood up. The head of our program asked all the audience to stand and told us to look back and clap for them for their support. My heart was breaking because Chris was my biggest supporter of school, and I could not thank him. When we finished, I felt lost because I was saying goodbye to support and friendships. I would not be seeing my nursing friends everyday like before.