The coldest winter

It was January and one the of the coldest since being in Boston for five years. It snowed all the time. I was staying with a friend and was trying to sell my house. I had to take my boards. I could not concentrate on my studying. Everyone in my class was starting to take their boards, but I could not bring myself to do it. I met with a group of people from my class, and we studied about once a week. My boss at work could tell I was struggling. He told me that I could have his office, and all he wanted me to do was study. He said that he would answer the phones and take care of the work. He told me that I had worked too hard to not pass my boards. I was so appreciative of this gesture. I tried to study in that office but being alone was very hard for me. I could not even stay by myself at my friend's apartment. It was like the sound of silence was too much for me; it made me think about how horrible things were in my life. I began to wish that I was not alive. I remember walking on the street and thinking if a car hits me, who cares?? I called my mom and dad almost everyday to talk about my sadness. Anytime I heard an ambulance, I would start to cry because I would think that is what Chris was in when he had his accident. If I saw someone in a wheelchair, I would think what if I end up in a wheelchair because who is to say that things will not get worse. I began to think why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? I though that I had been a good person and tried to do right so why would God allow this to happen? I was in counseling to talk about my feelings. I told my counselor I was so depressed and could barely make myself do what I needed to do to carry on. I told her my biggest desire was to have someone take care of me and do everything for me. She asked me was I angry at Chris? I said how could I be angry at him? All the sudden I felt this extreme anger!! I began telling her that yes, I was mad because he left me!! He left me and I have all this work to do now like sell the house, make phone calls, clear up loose ends, take my boards. I told her that this was not supposed to happen!! I told her that he left me and he has it easy now and I am the one who is suffering. I felt such a sense of rage!! I told her that I had some friends who were trying to push their Christian faith on me, and I was angry because I was mad at God! I told her how could a loving God allow good people to suffer? I told her that Christianity and religion was for weak people who could not make it on their own. We still did not know what happened to Chris. We had an autopsy done but no results yet. I talked to the police at the area where he was found, and they felt he had fallen or slipped on ice. They felt it was not foul play. The Boston Globe called me two times to try to get the "latest info" on what happened but I would not talk to them. A good friend of mine told me that I could drive myself crazy trying to figure it out because I might not ever know. It would take a long time to get some answers about what happened and also, to learn that God would heal me and restore my soul.