Was I ready to let go?

I have not written in awhile but when I heard Christmas music being played yesterday, it made me think of Chris. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 13 years since he went away. I felt moved to share more of my story. I was living in Birmingham and was feeling better. There were highs and lows but I felt Jesus was the only reason my heart was being healed. I realized that I was a blessed person despite what had happened. Right before my 34th birthday which would of been almost five years since Chris's death, I began to feel very sad. I remember praying to God and asking Him to help me with my sadness. I wanted so much to be a wife and mother one day. I poured out my heart to God and for some reason I just gave Him all my burdens. I have struggled with worry and anxiety and truly struggled with REALLY giving things to the Lord but for some reason on this day, I did it. I felt a burden lifted. Anytime I felt sad, I would just give it back to Him. I had been dating some but no one was a real match for me. I just gave up and told the Lord, whatever you want for me, make me want it and help me to be content. I had this idea that if I was married that all my problems would be solved and life would be perfect but that is not the way it works. I had to be content with just me before God would give me the right person of that is what he chose to do. I decided that being alone was not that bad. I became content because I gave all my sadness to Him. Anytime I was upset, I would turn it over to the Lord. He would make the sadness go away. I had to give up my identity of wanting people to feel sad for me. I think that feeling sadness and grief is crucial in the healing process of loosing someone. However, five years after Chris died I was kind of not allowing myself to move past that sadness and enjoy the life God had given me. It was like my identity was making sure that everyone knew my story and knew what I had been through. I realized that I had to WANT to give all the pain and sadness up the Lord and receive His healing. Was I ready to give up the identity of being a widow? Was I ready to move on? Was I ready to see what my future held? I realized that after five years, it was time to let go and give the sadness to God. If I truly gave it away, He would heal me and show me what steps to take next. This was hard because my identity was being a widow and I would truly have to let go. I prayed and decided to let it go. Anytime it came up, I had to let God that I had give this to Him. Now by giving it away does not mean that I forgot Chris or minimized what had happened, but instead it was a request and prayer for healing. It was a chance to see what God had in store for me. Chris would of wanted me to go forward. I needed God's help to go forward. I could not do it on my own. I started to enjoy my single life and really was not concerned with meeting anyone new. I was working as a nurse in the Heart and lung transplant unit at UAB. I had a patient who I was taking care of who asked if I would like to meet his friend who was single. I honestly had decided that I was fine on my own, but I really liked this patient and decided "why not?" His friend came to Birmingham to meet me and he was cute but I was not really looking. We had dinner and had a good time. We talked on the phone and developed a friendship. He told me about his story and I told him mine. We prayed about our relationship and if God wanted us together, then make it so but if not, let it end. He was understanding about Chris and never felt threatened. Before I knew it, we got engaged and now are married. I want you to know that if you give your plans to the Lord and ask for healing with whatever it is in your life, that he will direct your paths and make diamonds from the pain and hurt in your life. He will help you heal and recover from whatever ails you when the time is right.

Becoming Hopeful

I started going to church on a regular basis and even joined the choir. I shared my story with everyone at church, and they were so understanding of my past. I met with the preacher to talk about why would God allow this to happen. The preacher explained that faith was a journey and sometimes it takes awhile to find answers. I started seeing a counselor in Birmingham to talk about my grief. She was wonderful and was a Christian counselor. She encouraged me to pray to God about my feelings and sadness. I began to feel that God could use Chris's death to make me a better, more understanding person. Without God, I would be negative and depressed, but with God in my life, I could heal. I began to feel hope for the future. I thought maybe I will get married again one day and have a family. I began to be thankful for all the wonderful things that were in my life despite my loss. My whole attitude was happier. I had a community of people who cared about me and a God who was watching over me. Maybe I would have trials in life, but God would help me to become a better person through my trials. I began working in the Bone Marrow Transplant unit which I felt I could relate in some way to the patient family's pain. I tried to listen to the families when they discussed their grief. I tried to take care of my patients the way I would of wanted Chris taken care of. I would get down some, but God had allowed me to turn a corner and see the future with hope. I began to work with homeless people at my church and the needy. Working with people less fortunate than me really helped me to gain perspective on my life.

The Move

My parents and sister came to visit me after Christmas and help me move. My parents and I went to the basement in my apartment, and we found all these gifts Chris had given me. I was very emotional. I decided that I would keep a few things that meant a lot to me-his robe, some gifts he gave me like a turtle lamp, a wooden giraffe from out honeymoon, the jewelry he gave me. I decided I would give away the furniture and everything so I could start fresh. I knew my new apartment would be small and I could not keep everything. I donated all the furniture to goodwill. I saved all the pictures and key memories and gifts. My parents flew home. My sister and I began the drive to Alabama. I felt such a sense of relief that I was starting over in a sense. It took us three days to get back to Auburn. We then went to Birmingham and moved into my new place. I was not starting my new job for a few weeks so I spent sometime exploring Birmingham. My mom and dad said that they hoped I would go to church. They were both like you need to have God and church in your life. I thought, it would be a good way to meet people so I started going to a church that some people I knew from college attended. I even went to Sunday School! I had not been to church in years. The people were nice but I did not really get a lot out of it at first. I went on a ski trip to Utah with some old friends and ruptured my ACL. I was so upset because I would not be able to work for 8 weeks after the surgery. After my surgery, I recovered pretty quickly and was kind of bored. I called the church I was going to and asked could I come by and do some volunteer work. I just could not stand laying around. I went and helped update member records. Someone on the staff asked if I could go to a local church for the homeless to help feed a meal, and I agreed to go. I went and there were all the homeless people who had nothing. I realized, Emily, you are so blessed by God. Yes, you had something bad happened but you are so blessed because you have a place to live, a job, an education, friends, and Jesus. I began volunteering at other homeless meals and helping others less fortunate than me. I feel that God used this experience for me to be perspective on how blessed I was in this life. I started to feel happier and more content with life. I still missed Chris, but I began to feel that I was not alone and that God was with me. It was a true breakthrough in my grieving process.

Decisions

It was September, and I checked the mail and found an envelope marked from Boston Medical Center. It was the autopsy report about Chris. It was a crisp, green piece of paper that stated cause of death: accidental fall. I felt that I knew that deep down, but it was a relief to finally get the report. I realized that I never would know EXACTLY what happened to Chris to cause his death. I created a scenario in my head that helped. I felt that he tripped on the ice when he got out of the commuter rail. The police report about that night stated that there was heavy ice on the train depot. My parents and I talked, and they encouraged me to accept that hypothesis. I was not sure what to feel but, I had I was beginning to be sure that I should move and start over somewhere new. Just so many memories in Boston to face everyday. I called my mom and dad and told them what I was thinking. Mom and Dad told me they had been praying for me and felt maybe God was leading me to move. They both said they had been praying that I would realize how God was helping me through this crisis. I told them that I would think about it, and if I felt the same in 2-3 months, I would take the plunge. They said whatever I wanted was fine with them. For some reason, Birmingham, AL came to my head. I began to read about hospitals there-UAB was an excellent hospital. I decided to put my resume into them. I was about to turn 30 which depressed me horribly because if felt how could I be 30 and be a widow! I decided to throw myself a party! I invited everyone I knew! So many people came and that helped me lot. I told everyone that I was going to probably move away. People said they could understand why and how it would be good to get close to my family for support. This was the end of October-I had gotten calls from UAB to come interview so I booked a flight and went to check it out. It was kind of exciting to think I could maybe start all over and maybe make a new life with new memories. It was not that I wanted to forget Chris, but I knew I could not move on living in Boston which was the city he loved more than anything. Everywhere I went, there were constant reminders of dates and fun times we shared. I got several job offers and I accepted one in SICU. I went back to Boston and turned in my notice-last day to work 12/25. I wanted to work on Christmas because it was the anniversary of his death. I wanted to keep my mind occupied. It began to get very cold in Boston and the ice was all over the sidewalks which made me think of Chris. I felt such a sense of relief that I was moving which helped me realize that I was doing the right thing for me.

In Limbo

I still had not gotten the autopsy report about what happened to Chris. Some of my co-workers told me to contact New England Organ Donor Bank to see if they could help me get a report faster. I contacted them, and they said it usually takes up to a year to get the report. They said they would try to help me. When they called me back, they said that the results were there but no one had typed up the report. They said they would try to get the coroner to write the report ASAP. I just wanted to know what happened. I looked over the police report and it stated there was ice outside the train where Chris got out. I kept waiting for the report but it would take several more months to receive it. Our two year wedding anniversary hit. My sister flew up to be with me which helped a lot. She would just listen to me. She told me it was going to be hard for awhile. She supported me by letting me be sad and talk about how I felt. She did not have a magic word or try to say the right thing, she just listened. Having her with me was so great because I stayed at home with her. I did not feel like I had to run from my feelings. I wanted that companionship that I had with Chris-that best friend who is always there for you. Having that and then it going away suddenly was so traumatic. I never even got to say goodbye. I remember asking my sister, how will I make it after you go home? She said stay busy and keep doing what you are doing. She left and I just tried to follow her advice. I was I a support group for widows and widowers. I was the youngest one. We met once a week, and it helped because they listened to me. I went to visit my parents and several friends. Went to a wedding in Detroit which was hard because first wedding without Chris. I remember one of my old friends, Greg, who was married asked if I would dance with him at the wedding. He just hugged meant told me how strong I was and how incredible it was that I was there. Those words of support comforted me. This was summer of 2003, and I just felt like I was in limbo. I had all of Chris's old friends to talk to and I wanted to talk to them because made me feel close to Chris, but it was also painful because I was alone and single-it reminded me that he was gone. Being in Boston was hard because I had met Chris about three months after moving there and everywhere I went, I saw places that we would go to and the memories would flood me. There were friends of friends who had gone through loosing a significant other. One of them said let's have lunch and we can talk. I was excited because I thought this would be someone who understood my feelings! I ended up being disappointed because he just wanted to tell me his story-he did not seem interested in mine. I did not find our lunch helpful. I was also angry with people who wanted to tell me their problems because I felt I had enough to deal with already. I found myself talking less and less to the people who could not listen to me. I am not sure if this was a good thing or bad thing but I guess I was trying to cope. I would be angry at people who felt they had problems because their problems were not as bad as mine is what I thought! Something amazing happened: I received a letter from someone who had received one of Chris's lungs. It was such a kind note telling me that he wanted to know about the donor. He also sent a picture of himself with his granddaughter. He told me about all the things he was able to do because of his new lung. I wrote him a letter back and told him all about Chris. I told him that Chris loved Asian food and was a sports fanatic. He wrote me back and stated that since he had the transplant, he craved Chinese and was watching more sports. Whether this was really true, I will never know but it made me feel good. We could not meet or exchange information until after a year after transplant had occurred. We sent each other letters through the organ bank. I also got a card from the person that received Chris's heart that said thank you. I wrote that person back but never heard back. Working in organ transplant at MGH made me understand why some people did not want to write. Some of my patients told me they did not write the donor families because they felt they would be disappointed because they were not doing well or they felt too sad for the people who had lost someone. I also felt that I was more understanding of my patients and families because of what happened. I knew the pain people felt so it was nice to see that something good was coming from this situation.

Transitions

I worked at my current job until May and then I began working at Mass General in the Organ Transplant Unit. I had accepted this job prior to Chris's passing. I was not sure how I would handle the stress of being a brand new nurse, in a brand new job!! My first day, I told my training nurse about what had happened to me. She stated that it was good that I told her my story, and she would keep that in mind and that she was there for me. It was very stressful because I was starting a brand new job-I had to learn medicines, how to organize my time, and just how to be a nurse. My co-workers were very supportive. I am a very vocal person; therapy to me is talking about my feelings. I just would be honest with my friends and co-workers and tell them that today was a bad day for me. Honestly, having a new job was good because it allowed me to have something to focus on instead of Chris's death. It helped me to have tasks because it occupied my mind. For me, sitting at home or not doing anything would set me in a panic. I would never stay at home. I stayed busy all the time to not allow myself to have that time to think. In about six months, I would realize that I needed to deal with these sad and horrible feelings. I just could not do it right now. I did what I needed to do to survive and that was spending time with people and doing stuff all the time. I would have occasional panic attacks triggered by situations that would remind me of Chris. One day at my new job, I had a patient named Chris and he had a head injury. I just could not take care of him...I began to cry and the charge nurse changed that assignment. The feelings i felt that day were overwhelming. I remember calling mom and dad and sitting outside the hospital crying while people walked by me, staring. I asked my doctor if she could give me xanax or something to help me deal with these feelings. My doctor stated no because I needed to feel these feelings to heal. I think that is one of the hardest parts of grief is being with those horrible, sad feelings and working through those emotions, and it is imperative for healing. The time when a person is ready to feel those feelings can differ-for me, it was about a year after Chris died that I slowed down and allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness. It was hard because I was working night shift two weeks and then would work days for two weeks: it was a swing shift. I could not sleep very well which made me more depressed and irritable. Somehow, I did it. I did not realize that I had several people praying for me, esp. my mom, dad, and sister. They would pray that I would be okay and that I would make it through this ordeal. Many people sent me cards and letters. I received cards and notes from people I grew up with and from the campus ministry I was involved with during college. I had gradually moved away from the Christian faith despite growing up in a Christian home. By the time I had even met Chris, I was not attending church. I felt that I believed in God and Jesus but church was not necessary. I felt that people who were very "religious" were weaklings who could not manage life's problems. I remember telling a friend after Chris died that I did not need God because I was a strong person and could make it though this pain by myself. My parents and sister were praying that I would return to church and survive this ordeal. After Chris died, I was angry with God. I remember asking my mom, if there is a God why would he allow me to suffer? I explained that I was a good person and tried to do what was right and look what happened to me. Look at what happened to Chris!! I was like how come bad people do not suffer? These questions made it hard for me to accept Christianity. I actually felt that nothing existed. It would take several months for me to come to understand how God can heal and how blessed I truly am. I questioned who was I as a person because I was not longer Chris's wife. I felt so confused about who I was or what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I was worried that I would never get married again, and that I would never have children which was one of my number one goals.

My house sells

I could not spend anytime by myself! Each day at work, I would try to study in that office by myself but could not-I would walk around Harvard Square and look at shops. After work each day, I would often go to the gym with friends. After the gym, I could not let myself go home so I would make plans with people each night. I just could not be alone or I felt a sense of panic. I'd was so tired because I would not rest. My realtor called and told me there was an offer on our house. I met her to complete the paperwork. She told me we would close on house in March. I felt a sense of relief but also sadness. I knew I was going to need to find an apartment so I began the search. I found a place to live-I would have two roommates. Friends helped me pack my stuff and then move. When I finally got into my apartment, I panicked because for the first time in awhile I was with Chris's stuff. I found his bathrobe, his glasses, some of his tissues, his socks. I just was in a state of despair. I remember calling my parents and telling them how sad and hard it was to be with his stuff. I could not throw it away. I would wear his bathrobe around the house. I knew I had to take my boards so I signed up for April 1. I went to my house one more time to clean it up before the closing. Some friends went with me. We cleaned and left and the sadness I felt was just to the depth of my being. I called a friend in from nursing school. I told her that I wanted to go check myself into the mental ward at Mass General Hospital. I just wanted someone to take care of me for once. I did not want any responsibility. I wanted to rest. She told me to wait and she would come over. We talked and she was like Emily, if you go to a mental ward, they will make you stay. She is like you won't have any freedom or space. She said why don't we go to the mall and think about it so we did and I realized that I better not go. I was trying to study for my nursing boards. I took the test April 1 and I passed! I felt Chris was with me the whole time I took the test! I felt so happy for the first time in months because my I had succeeded! I told Mass General that I would start working in May. I went home to visit my parents. My mom took me to her yoga class and I just cried-it was too quiet and it made me panic. I had a good visit with mom and dad. They just listened to me. They threw me a party for passing my boards. At the party, several of their friends were like you should move back south-maybe Birmingham. I was like no way.