No sleep....

We had a meal after the funeral. I actually ate for the first time. I tried to tell everyone thank you for coming and how much each one meant to Chris. I still felt so numb and everything was in slow motion. I realize now that numbness that we feel after tragedy strikes is a gift from God. How could we deal with such hard and difficult emotions? God protects us from the horrible feelings until it somewhat easier to cope. We returned to my house. I got a flower from someone with a card that stated Chris was the perfect rose and God plucked him to keep him in heaven. I threw it away! I was so mad!! How could God take Chris away from me is what I thought. My parents were only there for a certain period of time. They wanted to help me clean out Chris's things because I was trying to sell the house. I don't remember going through it but I remember dad and me dropping his clothes off at Goodwill. I remember pulling away from the curb, and I could see the stuff sitting there. I just hurt so bad because it was like I was admitting he was never coming back. Mom, dad, and my sister stayed until the new year and had to go back to Alabama. I decided to stay with a friend in Boston until my house sold. I remember mom, dad, and Laura leaving. I felt nothing. I went to the bookstore and bought books about coping and grief. I am a reader and anytime I want to find answers , I read to find them. This was the time I started not being able to sleep at all. Every night I would lay there and think. I was so exhausted. I just would literally lay in my bed every night in the dark and look around. I had not been back to my job. The people there were so good to me. When I came back, each person took me out for lunch each day I was so skinny, and I think they were worried I was not eating. I had to take time off for work to take a review class for my nursing boards. I tried to concentrate. My fellow nursing students were in the class with me and were very supportive. One day, during a break, one of them asked me if I would like to go to Subway for lunch. The only Subway around was right by the train station that Chris had his accident. I said sure at first. We went back to our review class and I could not focus while the teacher lectured. I felt this major panic. I could not stop thinking about it. We were about to leave for lunch, and I said I cannot go. Of course, she understood and we went somewhere else. I asked the guy teaching to class if he had any tips to help me concentrate. I told him about what happened and said could I pass the boards? He was very compassionate and stated that I would-to take breaks when I felt overwhelmed. He said while he was lecturing that I could get up anytime and take a walk. One day he began to talk about head injuries. I freaked out and left. Someone in my class came to find me and told me it was okay and just to not listen to it. She said everyone has an issue with some health problem sometimes because of things that have happened to loved ones. We just sat outside until it was done. One day after leaving class, I was driving to my friend's apartment. I remember thinking Chris is not dead. I remember thinking that I needed to find him. I was convinced that I could find him. I thought I will search the world over until I find him. Of course, after awhile, I realized that he would not be found. That weekend, I had my nursing pinning ceremony. My parents, sister, and friends came to support me. When my name was called, my whole class stood up. The head of our program asked all the audience to stand and told us to look back and clap for them for their support. My heart was breaking because Chris was my biggest supporter of school, and I could not thank him. When we finished, I felt lost because I was saying goodbye to support and friendships. I would not be seeing my nursing friends everyday like before.

No answers!!

We went to the funeral home in Lowell to make arrangements. It was Christmas Eve so could not have wake until December 26 and funeral December 27. I felt nothing. I could not eat. I cried all the time and could not sleep. Everyone kept telling me to eat, but I could not. Mom, Dad, and my sister and I drove to our house in Holliston, MA. On the way home, my dad was like we have to drop by the train station to get Chris's car. He said why don't we look around for answers. My dad and I got out of car and went up up to the train platform. It was metro west commuter rail-I cannot remember the name of the stop. We looked and there was no evidence. No clues. We drove home. I looked in Chris's car-nothing. No money had been taken, no keys, nothing. What happened? We left and went home. I knew I had to sell the house. I did not want to stay there without Chris. We had just moved into that house in February 2002 so not even a year. It was Christmas Eve. I told my parents could we just pretend it was not Christmas because if we tried to celebrate I would hate Christmas forever. On Christmas Day we cleaned the house, took the tree down, and got ready for realtor to come the next day. I was like a machine and felt nothing. The day after Christmas, the realtor came early and we decided on a price. We then got ready and went to the wake. It lasted forever and I just stood there. People were hugging me. I did not cry and that bothered me because I felt like my response was inappropriate. I felt that people would think I did not care. I was also upset by what some people said such as God wanted Chris with Him so he took him to heaven or Chris was so good that God needed him in heaven. People would ask me how I was feeling or was I okay and that would get me upset because I would think how do you think I am feeling??????!!! People kept asking me what happened, and I did not know. People kept telling me you are holding up so well, and I felt insulted. Now, in hindsight, I realize that people were trying to help. People just did not know what to say. I realized that no one had to say anything to me at all; all people had to do was listen.

The long drive to the hospital

I drove to Boston Medical Center and waited for Chris. I just remember not having any feeling. I felt that I was watching what was going on. Finally, a nurse came for me and asked me if I would like to see Chris. I went back and he was awake and intubated so he could not talk. He looked at me and I knew he saw me so I started crying and told him how much I loved him. One of the nurses told me to calm down. She stated that he was not doing good, and I needed to calm down and get someone there with me. I called my parents and then Chris' parents. I called my work and friends. People started coming to the hospital. The surgeon stayed that put a camino device in his head to measure his intracranial pressure, and he had not woken up from the anesthesia. He told me that the outcome was poor. I just remember collapsing on the floor. The next two days were meetings with doctors and tests. My parents and Chris's parents were by my side. We decided that he was not going to make it and decided to make him an organ donor. I said goodbye to him and felt numb. The worst part was that it was December 23 so everywhere I went, I heard Christmas music!! I remember hearing it is the most wonderful time of the year and being so mad!! I thought Christmas is the worst time of year. We also did not know what had happened to Chris. The train conductor stated that he was found at the train station and had been throwing up so he called 911. No witnesses and no answers!! While we were at the hospital, one of my fellow nursing students came to see me, Sheryl. She told me that her father had murdered her mother. I remember asking her, "How did you make it?" She told me Christ. We prayed together and I felt maybe that was the answer. A chaplin came to visit me while Chris was in the hospital. I asked her if Chris's accident happened because we did not go to church. She told me that God did not work that way. I did not realize that it would take longer for me to accept God in my life.

Tragedy struck

It was my last night of nursing school. For the last three years, I had been working a forty-hour a week job while going to nursing school at night. I was so excited because I felt like life would go back to normal!! I remember thinking how I had neglected my husband during this time and how we could finally spend time together!! I met some fellow students that day to study for our final. We took our final and went out to celebrate. I came home around 11 PM, but my husband, Chris was not there. I remember thinking that this was not like him to not be home. I felt angry because I thought he had stayed out late with friends. I remember going to sleep and being mad. Around 3 AM, the phone rang and I did not answer because I thought it was him and I was mad!! Around 4:30 AM, I hear a knock on my front door. Outside, a police officer is standing out there. He asked me if I was Mrs. Parker. He told me there had been an accident and my husband was in the hospital. I called the hospital and they said that Chris was very confused when he came in and had been throwing up. Then they noticed that his respirations started decreasing. They noticed a laceration to his head and decided to do a head CT. The CT showed a major skull fracture and they were flying him to Boston now. They had intubated him because he no longer could breathe on his own. I just remember being very calm and felt like I was outside my body. I called a friend who told me how to get to Boston Medical Center, and I drove there. At this time in my life, I had walked away from God and the church. I felt that weaklings depended on a higher power. Part of me wanted to go to church because I had grown up going every Sunday, but I would not go. I felt it just did not fit my thinking. This blog will talk about how a new faith in Christ helped me overcome one of the greatest sadness I had every known. I want people to know how Christ can help heal all wounds.