Becoming Hopeful

I started going to church on a regular basis and even joined the choir. I shared my story with everyone at church, and they were so understanding of my past. I met with the preacher to talk about why would God allow this to happen. The preacher explained that faith was a journey and sometimes it takes awhile to find answers. I started seeing a counselor in Birmingham to talk about my grief. She was wonderful and was a Christian counselor. She encouraged me to pray to God about my feelings and sadness. I began to feel that God could use Chris's death to make me a better, more understanding person. Without God, I would be negative and depressed, but with God in my life, I could heal. I began to feel hope for the future. I thought maybe I will get married again one day and have a family. I began to be thankful for all the wonderful things that were in my life despite my loss. My whole attitude was happier. I had a community of people who cared about me and a God who was watching over me. Maybe I would have trials in life, but God would help me to become a better person through my trials. I began working in the Bone Marrow Transplant unit which I felt I could relate in some way to the patient family's pain. I tried to listen to the families when they discussed their grief. I tried to take care of my patients the way I would of wanted Chris taken care of. I would get down some, but God had allowed me to turn a corner and see the future with hope. I began to work with homeless people at my church and the needy. Working with people less fortunate than me really helped me to gain perspective on my life.

The Move

My parents and sister came to visit me after Christmas and help me move. My parents and I went to the basement in my apartment, and we found all these gifts Chris had given me. I was very emotional. I decided that I would keep a few things that meant a lot to me-his robe, some gifts he gave me like a turtle lamp, a wooden giraffe from out honeymoon, the jewelry he gave me. I decided I would give away the furniture and everything so I could start fresh. I knew my new apartment would be small and I could not keep everything. I donated all the furniture to goodwill. I saved all the pictures and key memories and gifts. My parents flew home. My sister and I began the drive to Alabama. I felt such a sense of relief that I was starting over in a sense. It took us three days to get back to Auburn. We then went to Birmingham and moved into my new place. I was not starting my new job for a few weeks so I spent sometime exploring Birmingham. My mom and dad said that they hoped I would go to church. They were both like you need to have God and church in your life. I thought, it would be a good way to meet people so I started going to a church that some people I knew from college attended. I even went to Sunday School! I had not been to church in years. The people were nice but I did not really get a lot out of it at first. I went on a ski trip to Utah with some old friends and ruptured my ACL. I was so upset because I would not be able to work for 8 weeks after the surgery. After my surgery, I recovered pretty quickly and was kind of bored. I called the church I was going to and asked could I come by and do some volunteer work. I just could not stand laying around. I went and helped update member records. Someone on the staff asked if I could go to a local church for the homeless to help feed a meal, and I agreed to go. I went and there were all the homeless people who had nothing. I realized, Emily, you are so blessed by God. Yes, you had something bad happened but you are so blessed because you have a place to live, a job, an education, friends, and Jesus. I began volunteering at other homeless meals and helping others less fortunate than me. I feel that God used this experience for me to be perspective on how blessed I was in this life. I started to feel happier and more content with life. I still missed Chris, but I began to feel that I was not alone and that God was with me. It was a true breakthrough in my grieving process.

Decisions

It was September, and I checked the mail and found an envelope marked from Boston Medical Center. It was the autopsy report about Chris. It was a crisp, green piece of paper that stated cause of death: accidental fall. I felt that I knew that deep down, but it was a relief to finally get the report. I realized that I never would know EXACTLY what happened to Chris to cause his death. I created a scenario in my head that helped. I felt that he tripped on the ice when he got out of the commuter rail. The police report about that night stated that there was heavy ice on the train depot. My parents and I talked, and they encouraged me to accept that hypothesis. I was not sure what to feel but, I had I was beginning to be sure that I should move and start over somewhere new. Just so many memories in Boston to face everyday. I called my mom and dad and told them what I was thinking. Mom and Dad told me they had been praying for me and felt maybe God was leading me to move. They both said they had been praying that I would realize how God was helping me through this crisis. I told them that I would think about it, and if I felt the same in 2-3 months, I would take the plunge. They said whatever I wanted was fine with them. For some reason, Birmingham, AL came to my head. I began to read about hospitals there-UAB was an excellent hospital. I decided to put my resume into them. I was about to turn 30 which depressed me horribly because if felt how could I be 30 and be a widow! I decided to throw myself a party! I invited everyone I knew! So many people came and that helped me lot. I told everyone that I was going to probably move away. People said they could understand why and how it would be good to get close to my family for support. This was the end of October-I had gotten calls from UAB to come interview so I booked a flight and went to check it out. It was kind of exciting to think I could maybe start all over and maybe make a new life with new memories. It was not that I wanted to forget Chris, but I knew I could not move on living in Boston which was the city he loved more than anything. Everywhere I went, there were constant reminders of dates and fun times we shared. I got several job offers and I accepted one in SICU. I went back to Boston and turned in my notice-last day to work 12/25. I wanted to work on Christmas because it was the anniversary of his death. I wanted to keep my mind occupied. It began to get very cold in Boston and the ice was all over the sidewalks which made me think of Chris. I felt such a sense of relief that I was moving which helped me realize that I was doing the right thing for me.