In Limbo

I still had not gotten the autopsy report about what happened to Chris. Some of my co-workers told me to contact New England Organ Donor Bank to see if they could help me get a report faster. I contacted them, and they said it usually takes up to a year to get the report. They said they would try to help me. When they called me back, they said that the results were there but no one had typed up the report. They said they would try to get the coroner to write the report ASAP. I just wanted to know what happened. I looked over the police report and it stated there was ice outside the train where Chris got out. I kept waiting for the report but it would take several more months to receive it. Our two year wedding anniversary hit. My sister flew up to be with me which helped a lot. She would just listen to me. She told me it was going to be hard for awhile. She supported me by letting me be sad and talk about how I felt. She did not have a magic word or try to say the right thing, she just listened. Having her with me was so great because I stayed at home with her. I did not feel like I had to run from my feelings. I wanted that companionship that I had with Chris-that best friend who is always there for you. Having that and then it going away suddenly was so traumatic. I never even got to say goodbye. I remember asking my sister, how will I make it after you go home? She said stay busy and keep doing what you are doing. She left and I just tried to follow her advice. I was I a support group for widows and widowers. I was the youngest one. We met once a week, and it helped because they listened to me. I went to visit my parents and several friends. Went to a wedding in Detroit which was hard because first wedding without Chris. I remember one of my old friends, Greg, who was married asked if I would dance with him at the wedding. He just hugged meant told me how strong I was and how incredible it was that I was there. Those words of support comforted me. This was summer of 2003, and I just felt like I was in limbo. I had all of Chris's old friends to talk to and I wanted to talk to them because made me feel close to Chris, but it was also painful because I was alone and single-it reminded me that he was gone. Being in Boston was hard because I had met Chris about three months after moving there and everywhere I went, I saw places that we would go to and the memories would flood me. There were friends of friends who had gone through loosing a significant other. One of them said let's have lunch and we can talk. I was excited because I thought this would be someone who understood my feelings! I ended up being disappointed because he just wanted to tell me his story-he did not seem interested in mine. I did not find our lunch helpful. I was also angry with people who wanted to tell me their problems because I felt I had enough to deal with already. I found myself talking less and less to the people who could not listen to me. I am not sure if this was a good thing or bad thing but I guess I was trying to cope. I would be angry at people who felt they had problems because their problems were not as bad as mine is what I thought! Something amazing happened: I received a letter from someone who had received one of Chris's lungs. It was such a kind note telling me that he wanted to know about the donor. He also sent a picture of himself with his granddaughter. He told me about all the things he was able to do because of his new lung. I wrote him a letter back and told him all about Chris. I told him that Chris loved Asian food and was a sports fanatic. He wrote me back and stated that since he had the transplant, he craved Chinese and was watching more sports. Whether this was really true, I will never know but it made me feel good. We could not meet or exchange information until after a year after transplant had occurred. We sent each other letters through the organ bank. I also got a card from the person that received Chris's heart that said thank you. I wrote that person back but never heard back. Working in organ transplant at MGH made me understand why some people did not want to write. Some of my patients told me they did not write the donor families because they felt they would be disappointed because they were not doing well or they felt too sad for the people who had lost someone. I also felt that I was more understanding of my patients and families because of what happened. I knew the pain people felt so it was nice to see that something good was coming from this situation.

Transitions

I worked at my current job until May and then I began working at Mass General in the Organ Transplant Unit. I had accepted this job prior to Chris's passing. I was not sure how I would handle the stress of being a brand new nurse, in a brand new job!! My first day, I told my training nurse about what had happened to me. She stated that it was good that I told her my story, and she would keep that in mind and that she was there for me. It was very stressful because I was starting a brand new job-I had to learn medicines, how to organize my time, and just how to be a nurse. My co-workers were very supportive. I am a very vocal person; therapy to me is talking about my feelings. I just would be honest with my friends and co-workers and tell them that today was a bad day for me. Honestly, having a new job was good because it allowed me to have something to focus on instead of Chris's death. It helped me to have tasks because it occupied my mind. For me, sitting at home or not doing anything would set me in a panic. I would never stay at home. I stayed busy all the time to not allow myself to have that time to think. In about six months, I would realize that I needed to deal with these sad and horrible feelings. I just could not do it right now. I did what I needed to do to survive and that was spending time with people and doing stuff all the time. I would have occasional panic attacks triggered by situations that would remind me of Chris. One day at my new job, I had a patient named Chris and he had a head injury. I just could not take care of him...I began to cry and the charge nurse changed that assignment. The feelings i felt that day were overwhelming. I remember calling mom and dad and sitting outside the hospital crying while people walked by me, staring. I asked my doctor if she could give me xanax or something to help me deal with these feelings. My doctor stated no because I needed to feel these feelings to heal. I think that is one of the hardest parts of grief is being with those horrible, sad feelings and working through those emotions, and it is imperative for healing. The time when a person is ready to feel those feelings can differ-for me, it was about a year after Chris died that I slowed down and allowed myself to feel the pain and sadness. It was hard because I was working night shift two weeks and then would work days for two weeks: it was a swing shift. I could not sleep very well which made me more depressed and irritable. Somehow, I did it. I did not realize that I had several people praying for me, esp. my mom, dad, and sister. They would pray that I would be okay and that I would make it through this ordeal. Many people sent me cards and letters. I received cards and notes from people I grew up with and from the campus ministry I was involved with during college. I had gradually moved away from the Christian faith despite growing up in a Christian home. By the time I had even met Chris, I was not attending church. I felt that I believed in God and Jesus but church was not necessary. I felt that people who were very "religious" were weaklings who could not manage life's problems. I remember telling a friend after Chris died that I did not need God because I was a strong person and could make it though this pain by myself. My parents and sister were praying that I would return to church and survive this ordeal. After Chris died, I was angry with God. I remember asking my mom, if there is a God why would he allow me to suffer? I explained that I was a good person and tried to do what was right and look what happened to me. Look at what happened to Chris!! I was like how come bad people do not suffer? These questions made it hard for me to accept Christianity. I actually felt that nothing existed. It would take several months for me to come to understand how God can heal and how blessed I truly am. I questioned who was I as a person because I was not longer Chris's wife. I felt so confused about who I was or what I wanted to accomplish in my life. I was worried that I would never get married again, and that I would never have children which was one of my number one goals.