My house sells

I could not spend anytime by myself! Each day at work, I would try to study in that office by myself but could not-I would walk around Harvard Square and look at shops. After work each day, I would often go to the gym with friends. After the gym, I could not let myself go home so I would make plans with people each night. I just could not be alone or I felt a sense of panic. I'd was so tired because I would not rest. My realtor called and told me there was an offer on our house. I met her to complete the paperwork. She told me we would close on house in March. I felt a sense of relief but also sadness. I knew I was going to need to find an apartment so I began the search. I found a place to live-I would have two roommates. Friends helped me pack my stuff and then move. When I finally got into my apartment, I panicked because for the first time in awhile I was with Chris's stuff. I found his bathrobe, his glasses, some of his tissues, his socks. I just was in a state of despair. I remember calling my parents and telling them how sad and hard it was to be with his stuff. I could not throw it away. I would wear his bathrobe around the house. I knew I had to take my boards so I signed up for April 1. I went to my house one more time to clean it up before the closing. Some friends went with me. We cleaned and left and the sadness I felt was just to the depth of my being. I called a friend in from nursing school. I told her that I wanted to go check myself into the mental ward at Mass General Hospital. I just wanted someone to take care of me for once. I did not want any responsibility. I wanted to rest. She told me to wait and she would come over. We talked and she was like Emily, if you go to a mental ward, they will make you stay. She is like you won't have any freedom or space. She said why don't we go to the mall and think about it so we did and I realized that I better not go. I was trying to study for my nursing boards. I took the test April 1 and I passed! I felt Chris was with me the whole time I took the test! I felt so happy for the first time in months because my I had succeeded! I told Mass General that I would start working in May. I went home to visit my parents. My mom took me to her yoga class and I just cried-it was too quiet and it made me panic. I had a good visit with mom and dad. They just listened to me. They threw me a party for passing my boards. At the party, several of their friends were like you should move back south-maybe Birmingham. I was like no way.

The coldest winter

It was January and one the of the coldest since being in Boston for five years. It snowed all the time. I was staying with a friend and was trying to sell my house. I had to take my boards. I could not concentrate on my studying. Everyone in my class was starting to take their boards, but I could not bring myself to do it. I met with a group of people from my class, and we studied about once a week. My boss at work could tell I was struggling. He told me that I could have his office, and all he wanted me to do was study. He said that he would answer the phones and take care of the work. He told me that I had worked too hard to not pass my boards. I was so appreciative of this gesture. I tried to study in that office but being alone was very hard for me. I could not even stay by myself at my friend's apartment. It was like the sound of silence was too much for me; it made me think about how horrible things were in my life. I began to wish that I was not alive. I remember walking on the street and thinking if a car hits me, who cares?? I called my mom and dad almost everyday to talk about my sadness. Anytime I heard an ambulance, I would start to cry because I would think that is what Chris was in when he had his accident. If I saw someone in a wheelchair, I would think what if I end up in a wheelchair because who is to say that things will not get worse. I began to think why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? I though that I had been a good person and tried to do right so why would God allow this to happen? I was in counseling to talk about my feelings. I told my counselor I was so depressed and could barely make myself do what I needed to do to carry on. I told her my biggest desire was to have someone take care of me and do everything for me. She asked me was I angry at Chris? I said how could I be angry at him? All the sudden I felt this extreme anger!! I began telling her that yes, I was mad because he left me!! He left me and I have all this work to do now like sell the house, make phone calls, clear up loose ends, take my boards. I told her that this was not supposed to happen!! I told her that he left me and he has it easy now and I am the one who is suffering. I felt such a sense of rage!! I told her that I had some friends who were trying to push their Christian faith on me, and I was angry because I was mad at God! I told her how could a loving God allow good people to suffer? I told her that Christianity and religion was for weak people who could not make it on their own. We still did not know what happened to Chris. We had an autopsy done but no results yet. I talked to the police at the area where he was found, and they felt he had fallen or slipped on ice. They felt it was not foul play. The Boston Globe called me two times to try to get the "latest info" on what happened but I would not talk to them. A good friend of mine told me that I could drive myself crazy trying to figure it out because I might not ever know. It would take a long time to get some answers about what happened and also, to learn that God would heal me and restore my soul.