I have not written in awhile but when I heard Christmas music being played yesterday, it made me think of Chris. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 13 years since he went away. I felt moved to share more of my story. I was living in Birmingham and was feeling better. There were highs and lows but I felt Jesus was the only reason my heart was being healed. I realized that I was a blessed person despite what had happened. Right before my 34th birthday which would of been almost five years since Chris's death, I began to feel very sad. I remember praying to God and asking Him to help me with my sadness. I wanted so much to be a wife and mother one day. I poured out my heart to God and for some reason I just gave Him all my burdens. I have struggled with worry and anxiety and truly struggled with REALLY giving things to the Lord but for some reason on this day, I did it. I felt a burden lifted. Anytime I felt sad, I would just give it back to Him. I had been dating some but no one was a real match for me. I just gave up and told the Lord, whatever you want for me, make me want it and help me to be content. I had this idea that if I was married that all my problems would be solved and life would be perfect but that is not the way it works. I had to be content with just me before God would give me the right person of that is what he chose to do. I decided that being alone was not that bad. I became content because I gave all my sadness to Him. Anytime I was upset, I would turn it over to the Lord. He would make the sadness go away. I had to give up my identity of wanting people to feel sad for me. I think that feeling sadness and grief is crucial in the healing process of loosing someone. However, five years after Chris died I was kind of not allowing myself to move past that sadness and enjoy the life God had given me. It was like my identity was making sure that everyone knew my story and knew what I had been through. I realized that I had to WANT to give all the pain and sadness up the Lord and receive His healing. Was I ready to give up the identity of being a widow? Was I ready to move on? Was I ready to see what my future held? I realized that after five years, it was time to let go and give the sadness to God. If I truly gave it away, He would heal me and show me what steps to take next. This was hard because my identity was being a widow and I would truly have to let go. I prayed and decided to let it go. Anytime it came up, I had to let God that I had give this to Him. Now by giving it away does not mean that I forgot Chris or minimized what had happened, but instead it was a request and prayer for healing. It was a chance to see what God had in store for me. Chris would of wanted me to go forward. I needed God's help to go forward. I could not do it on my own.
I started to enjoy my single life and really was not concerned with meeting anyone new. I was working as a nurse in the Heart and lung transplant unit at UAB. I had a patient who I was taking care of who asked if I would like to meet his friend who was single. I honestly had decided that I was fine on my own, but I really liked this patient and decided "why not?" His friend came to Birmingham to meet me and he was cute but I was not really looking. We had dinner and had a good time. We talked on the phone and developed a friendship. He told me about his story and I told him mine. We prayed about our relationship and if God wanted us together, then make it so but if not, let it end. He was understanding about Chris and never felt threatened. Before I knew it, we got engaged and now are married.
I want you to know that if you give your plans to the Lord and ask for healing with whatever it is in your life, that he will direct your paths and make diamonds from the pain and hurt in your life. He will help you heal and recover from whatever ails you when the time is right.
